Singing the Apple iOS 6 Blues

Apple iOS 6 sounds pretty schway, doesn't it? It doesn’t arrive until the fall, but I'm already looking forward to sampling Siri's new capabilities, exploring the extent of the integrated Facebook functionality, and experimenting with the very intriguing PassBook app. I mean, what's not to like?

Plenty. Mainly because my iPad won't be able to run the damn thing.

Apple iOS 6, you see, is compatible with a select group of devices—the iPhone 3GS (and higher), iPad 2 (and higher), and the fourth-generation iPod touch and up. I'm a proud iPad owner—that's right “iPad” owner, not iPad 2 or new iPad. The original. I plopped down $499 in mid-2010 to take a chance on the new computing form factor. I dug it. And I still do. I just wasn't ready for Apple to stop supporting it only two years later.

I can hear the world’s smallest violin playing in the distance. Put it away, please. I knew the risks—I've seen friends endure similar pains with suddenly “outdated” iPhones, but this is the first time this has happened to me. There was a time when being an early adopter meant dealing with bugs and companies' missteps, but you were fairly certain that your device would be relevant for more than 24 months. Now it means that a company won’t acknowledge your existence unless you plan to upgrade to new hardware in two year’s time. If that company is Apple, that is. And it’s quite vexing.

I'm sure there's a neglected Android user shaking his or her head at my discontent. “At least your device got some updates!” is the likely sentiment coming from the camp that’s still waiting for Ice Cream Sandwich to drip across the Android landscape. I can understand why these words may elicit nothing more than a smirk—Apple devices receive regular updates that aren't stymied by carriers' whims, handset manufacturers' decisions, or the way the wind blows on a particular day. I recognize that. I respect any Android user's gripe—you're lucky if your device gets one update, whereas I've downloaded every update that has rolled out for the iPad until now. I'm with you brothers and sisters. But that doesn't mean that I can accept that my two-year-old iPad is retirement-worthy in Apple's eyes. The latest and greatest iOS features are something my iPad will not see unless I purchase a new slate. How does the relatively ancient iPhone 3GS (2009!) get iOS 6, but the original iPad does not?

The inner conspiracy theorist speculates that this is Apple’s not too subtle method to get people off of older hardware and back into Apple Stores. But, maybe, just maybe, the hardware is incapable of handling iOS 6. My iPad ran a hair slower after updating to iOS5—there's a chance that iOS 6's magic may be too much for the O.G. slate. Talk on Apple Support Communities forums speak of the original iPad's A5 processor and 256MB of RAM being unable to properly power iOS 6. I’m certain that the haxorz community will explore that issue, because Apple is certain to stay tight-lipped.

I want iOS 6's new features. They're sexy beasts, but I refuse to drop another half-a-grand to get them (and there's no way I can Craigslist my current iPad for that much cash). So I’ll stick with Apple iOS 5.1.1, Flipboard, Slacker, and other non-demanding apps that run smoothly on my old, clunker of a tablet which I now dub "iPad Classic."

President Obama, how about a cash-for-tablet initiative, eh?

For more, see 92 New Features in Apple's iOS 6 and the WWDC slideshow below.